THIS IS THE TRUTH!!!!!!!!
Some people might tell you otherwise, but I am honestly telling you EXACTLY how it happened. Take my word for it, since, of course, I was the only one there.
It started on a rather cool day where, as I said in a post earlier than this one, that it was right on the border of Summer and Autumn. The confusing time when the seasons can't make up their minds.
Odin was getting rather bored of having children mess with him (putting bugs in his bed, changing his mead out with lukewarm water, throwing rocks at his ravens, etc.). Most Asgardians thought it was me, but I can swear on my life that Modi and Magni are probably the most disruptive little- never mind.
Anyway, my dear "brother" had decided he needed a little time away, and he decided he was going to take me and Honir, the Silent One (why we called him that I have not a clue, he was always jabbering on about something totally unrelated to the situation, this myth was when he was probably the most silent in his entire life) with him on a little jaunt around Midgard. I agreed, mostly because I wanted to stretch my legs as well and get away from the disappointed and downright awful vibes I was getting from the other Aesir.
We started out and it went pretty well, until the last day. This happened a lot, everything was absolutely peachy-keen and then BANG on the very last day when we believe the danger of being attacked has passed something terrible happens. Generally this happened to me, so you can probably guess why I wasn't pleased.
The night was crawling along the edges of the horizon with an ominous feeling that I did not appreciate and we were sitting down to what I hoped would be an enjoyable meal of oxen. We had killed two beasts on the side of a green pasture where we knew that the rancher would most likely miss them. Of course, as far as we figured if some poor mortal was hanged for stealing there was no blood on our hands.
This is where we will begin.... enjoy it or don't. That's not my problem.
"Loki?" I heard Honir say for about the third time that night. I grudgingly looked in his direction.
"Yes...?"
"Is it done yet?"
Either Odin saw that I was about to scratch his eyes out of he just felt content with interjecting, but either way he looked up from sharpening his spear and said "No, not yet, Honir."
"Oh, okay."
And then came my brother's afterthought: "Play nice, Loki."
I whirled from watching the oxen roast to Odin, who was cocking an eyebrow.
"Since when do I not play nice?" I must have looked rabid or something of that nature because Odin gave a little cough in his way that told me to sit down and shut up. I plopped down and poked the fire with a stick laying beside me on the dirt. Night had fallen during that little conversation and the only light came from the flames that licked the sides of the ox.
"I think that it should be done." I said, going over to my bag so we could package up the meat that we didn't eat. Or, rather, I didn't eat. I may be a god, but let me tell you, I don't eat like one.
"Loki," Honir was poking the meat with a pudgy finger. "I don't think it's finished."
I will not lie, I was tired of this idiot. "What?" I snapped.
Soon Odin was at his side and poking it as well. They looked quite comical. "He isn't lying, Loki."
My eyebrows furrowed and I pushed past them muttering "Here, let me see." They were right, I had cooked this meat for enough time to make it well-done and.... it wasn't. I was, may my ego permit me saying so, very sheepish.
"I don't understand, brother." I said to Odin, "you know I cooked it long enough."
"Yes, Loki, but it's hardly cooked at all." Odin replied, frowning as well. "Perhaps we should leave it for the night."
"I'm tired," Honir said, rubbing his eyes. I didn't even have time to make a snide remark before he crashed to the ground snoring. That's when sleep hit me as well and I was having a hard time keeping my eyes open.
"Rest," Odin said to me, "we'll be home tomorrow and we can eat then if this doesn't cook. I'll watch it for tonight."
"Right," I muttered. Then I left him to tend the fire and fell asleep quite comfortably on my satchel. Morning came and Odin shook my shoulder.
"Loki, brother."
"Hmmm..... hey- what?" I said, rubbing sleep from my eyes.
"It still isn't cooked."
I was now very much awake. "What-?"
"Quiet!" Odin whispered to cut me off, "don't wake Honir."
He led me back to the ox, but he was correct. We had cooked it all night long and still the meat wasn't even medium rare. My stomach growled and I was seriously thinking about chancing a run-in with food poisoning.
"Let's try for a couple more hours." Odin said, sensing my inner-conflict (food poisoning vs. hunger; in which hunger was winning quite spectacularly).
I made a face and nodded. After probably 20 minutes of listening to my stomach growling in protest I picked up a stick and began carving runes into it. First I did my name, followed by a few runes that meant "All Supreme" and "Ruler of Asgard". I smiled, this would be my inside joke with myself, I had several of those. Yes, I realize that makes me sound like an idiot.
When about two hours had passed Odin checked the meat again and I shoved the stick into my satchel, very much so ready to be fed.
"Not done yet," my brother said, shaking his head sadly. That's when he turned on me, "You didn't do anything to the meat, did you?"
I scoffed at his stupidity, "Now, why would I do that?" I said, "I'm just as hungry as you are."
"Perhaps," he grumbled, still not totally convinced towards my sincerity.
Suddenly I heard what sounded like great big wings and when I turned I saw, sitting on a tree as if he owned all of Midgard, a huge golden eagle that stared down on us with stern yellow eyes.
"What do you want?" I asked of him.
"You seem to be having troubles," the eagle answered, "I can help you, if you want."
"Uh, no thank you, we were just-" Odin began, but hunger overruled him, my hunger.
"Well, brother," I interrupted, "Perhaps not." I turned my attention back to the eagle. "Could you really help us with our, uh, problem?"
The eagle nodded, something about him annoyed me and after a second of thought I realized why: he reminded me of Odin. That snarky attitude and the "I know all and see all" feel to life.
"I will help you if you promise me a portion of the meat." the eagle continued, cocking his head to the side and staring at just me.
"Well....." Odin started.
"Deal." I said.
Boy, am I an idiot in the face of hunger.
The eagle opened his mouth and out shot and long flame that cooked the meat almost instantly. I was much to relieved to be suspicious and ran over to the oxen, but the eagle got there first with one big down stroke of his huge wings. I watched in despair as he began to feast.
"You did promise him some meat." Odin reminded me. As he ate, however, I felt my stomach begin eating my spinal cord. Yes, I was that hungry.
When the first ox was gone and the eagle moved on to the second one I began to get angry.
"You've had your share, now move on." I said to him, trying to be as nice as I could be at this moment, but he continued to eat. I grabbed for my bag, anger and hunger (two feelings that never mix well) blinded my reason and my usual cunning self.
Odin grabbed my arm and hissed "Stop it, idiot. We can wait."
I finished pulling the stick from my bag and held it at the ready before firing a final warning at the eagle.
"HEY!" I shouted, "LEAVE SOME FOR ME!"
The eagle lifted his head and stared at me for a while, his beak was covered with a thin coating of red. A low growl rumbled in his throat and we stayed that way for what felt like forever, until, of course, he attacked.
I flailed the stick and it stuck to his tail-feathers. You know, in hindsight, he must have sensed the magic in the runes and used it much to his advantage. He flew straight over my head and I was soon high above the clouds. Through my screaming fit of rage I looked down to see Odin shaking his head, the little-
Anyway, that's how he was most of the time. "Stupid, Loki" "Get a life, Loki" "Don't slip up, Loki" "No, stupid, don't touch that" "Do you need a bottle, baby?"
Okay, maybe that last one was a bit of a stretch, but hey, that's how I felt. Treated like a kid most of the time, blamed for something I obviously have done the next, and then used before being put back into my cage.
It was actually quite beautiful up there in the clouds clinging for my life to a rod that was barely magical enough to hold on, but I was sure hoping that it would hold up. It was from what I could tell maybe half an hour before the eagle swooped low and dropped me right onto an iceberg of sorts, floating in the middle of an ocean who-knows-where.
I landed with a thump and in seconds I was on my feet, facing the eagle.
"What's the big idea?" I said, more than a little boiling over. "Do you really think you could just kidnap a god of Asgard?" The eagle, however, wasn't there. Instead it was a giant, not that giants were big or anything of that nature, but they were rather ugly. They generally had gnarled skin with pockmarks and.... just picture something highly unappetizing. That's it, you have successfully pictured a giant.
"I am Thiassi." the giant said. "King of the giants."
"Well, then." I said, sighing heavily. Internally I was kissing my sweet existence goodbye.
"If you value your life, Trickster, you shall aid me in a small venture that I wish to partake in." Thiassi said.
I was highly doubting he was talking about a business venture. "What do you have in mind?" I asked. I've really got to say that they giant peaked my interest. Why come to me?
"I know full well of your deceit and plotting against the Aesir and Vanir."
"Plotting?" I said, trying to be coy, "Who said anything about plotting?"
Suddenly his huge, meaty hands were around my throat. "Don't lie to me, Trickster."
"Alright, alright, you win." I wheezed out.
He let go and stood back, watching me rub my probably red neck. "Well," I snapped at him "What do you want my help with?"
He raised an ugly eyebrow and reminded me of Odin. At the memory of my "brother" I had a sudden urge to just throw myself off of the iceberg and chance the icy waters below.
"I require what is needed to make me immortal."
I swallowed, knowing exactly what was coming. As I contemplated what I was going to tell the giant I tried rubbing the goosebumps off my arms.
"Meaning I require you," he emphasized myself by pointing at me ", to get me the apples of Idunn."
My eyebrows crinkled together "Uhm.... no thank you." I turned from him and spread my arms, preparing to take my hawk form and fly off. I wasn't able to, however, I stayed on the ground and my form didn't change. Thiassi began to laugh behind me: a very deep, very hearty laugh that had the essence of a mad man gargling nails.
"What?" I asked, "What's so funny?"
"You cannot leave, Trickster." Thiassi said, still laughing at me. "Your magic is absolutely useless here."
I had to admit the stupid giant got me and he did it quite splendidly. He made me hungry. I guess you could call
that a weakness. I shook my head.
"I couldn't help you even if I wanted to," I told him, and hey, it was only a tiny white lie. "It would be absolutely impossible to remove Idunn's apples from Asgard without removing Idunn herself and-"
"Then I require you to bring me Idunn
and her apples."
I swallowed hard. There was a very small chance I could escape this iceberg after refusing and I didn't want to get of Odin's bad side by turning over the key to his eternal youth so........
"I refuse." I said, clenching my fists at my sides and hissing it out through clenched teeth.
Thiassi just shrugged, said "As you wish, Trickster" and, turning back into his eagle form, flew off. I stayed on that iceberg for three, count them all, THREE DAYS. Each day he came with the same proposition, my life in trade for Idunn and her apples. After three days when my fingers were blue and I could no longer feel my nose I accepted to stupid idea, it was either that or death.
I went straight back to Asgard and, very stealthily, waited on the very tree of Idunn and watched their house. It was dark when a messenger came for Bragi and he left his wife to go into a council with Odin. That was when I saw my chance. I hopped down out of the tree and knocked on Idunn's door. She opened it and when she saw my face she broke into a beaming smile.
"Loki!" She said, welcoming me. "Come in, come in!" She grabbed my arm, all sunshine and rainbows, and tried to pull me inside.
"No, Idunn, I came here on urgent business." I said, putting my plan into action.
Her face became slightly crestfallen. "So you don't want tea, then?"
I shook my head, "No, I came to show you a tree I found."
"A tree?"
"One that is even more glorious than yours." I said, looking at her golden apple tree for effect.
"That's impossible." Idunn was dumbfounded, "There is no tree that can match mine."
"Oh, but it does," I said, smiling at her. "Some might even say it reaches far beyond your tree's beauty."
Idunn became stubborn. "Well, that isn't very nice of them to say."
"I just thought, considering you were an expert on...." I trailed off, trying to find the right word, "foliage." I concluded, "That you may want to come and check, and see for yourself."
"Where is this tree?"
I grabbed her hand, smiling very wide now, "Just outside of the wall of Asgard."
She pulled away from me, frowning a bit so her eyebrows crinkled. "Loki," she said, "You know I can't leave Asgard."
"Oh, come on!" I urged, taking her hand again. "Just outside the walls."
"Well, alright, Loki." Idunn didn't seem as skeptic as she probably should have. "I'll trust you, Loki."
I smiled. That was her fatal mistake.
Or, at least, it could have been fatal if the Aesir hadn't felt the effects of the goddess of youth leave and soon as they did. I, being of giant blood myself, was not victim to the sudden ageing process that took hold of my fellow gods and goddesses. Freyja began to develop jowls, Odin's one eye began to lose its sight, Frey couldn't lift his sword, Sif's hair began to become brassy instead of the beautiful gold it once was. I went back to normal life until, of course, they noticed I wasn't ageing and they called me in.
"Loki," Odin began when I walked in. "We know you did it."
"Oh, yes, brother," I smirked, "Always the master of subtlety aren't we?"
"Besides the point, Loki." he continued, "Fix it or die."
Did I mention I heard that a LOT? Fix it or die. Well, considering I'm still here I usually chose the option to fix it.
I held up my hands in a defensive pose. "Yes, yes, I know." I told him, a little peeved.
"Then off with you, Trickster." Thor snickered in the background of Odin and my conversation. I gave a glance to Freyja, who was looking quite homely at this point.
"I'll need some assistance from that fabulous cloak of yours." I said and she scoffed.
"Why should I lend you my cloak?" She fired at me.
"You're looking rather...." I smiled. "Dowdy, Freyja. Are you sure you don't want to help?"
Her face became very red as she held out her falcon cloak and I bowed.
"I thank you from the very bottom of my heart." I said, giving all the sarcasm I could without having her come unleashed on me in crone form.
"WHAT WAS IT HE SAID?" I heard from Bragi in the background (his hearing had begun to fail him) before he was shushed by Frey.
"SHHHHHH! YOU OLD BAT!" Frey yelled back (needless to say his hearing was failing him as well).
"Before I go," I said, turning back to Odin. "Perhaps we should come up with a plan for my return." He looked thoughtful and leaned forward.
"What do you have in mind, brother?" He asked. I smiled and told him what was necessary. He nodded and shooed me away with a wave of his hand. With that I gracefully threw the cloak over my shoulders and felt myself shrink into falcon form. Then I was off and flying over towards the Land of the Giants, Jotunheim.
It was a couple of hours before I found Thiassi's dwelling. He was sitting on a large throne and mocking Idunn, who sat bound in chains.
'Oh, yes, this is
perfect,' was a thought that ran through my mind. She was screaming something at him through her gag and struggling against the chains. I realized this was going to be, well, rather easy. This giant was stupid. I mean really. Did he honestly think they wouldn't send somebody after her? If he did suspect something sentries would have obviously shot me down from the sky before even reaching his castle. Considering how flawed his plan was I decided to have some fun and use for definite the backup plan that Odin and I had worked out. Smiling again, with a plan in mind, I jumped from the window down by Idunn. Thiassi's laughter was cut very short as he stared, wide eyed and fixated, on the intruder below.
I gave a triumphant cry of: "Fear not, Idunn, I, Loki of Asgard, am here to rescue you!"
She was apparently so grateful that her eyes began brimming with silver tears.
"YOU!" Thiassi said, giving a mighty roar. "You tricked me!"
"Well, yes," I said back. "It is in my name." I flicked my wrist and instantly Idunn shrunk and became a small walnut. I picked her up in my borrowed talons and away we went with Thiassi hot on my tail feathers in his eagle form.
Asgard came over the mountain into view and I saw that Odin and the rest of the Aesir and Vanir had followed my wishes. I gigantic wall of fire rose around the city of Asgard, growing every higher. I was small enough to tuck my wings in and fly sideways between the flames, but Thiassi was burned and the night was filled with the screeches of a burning eagle.
And that, my dear readers, was how I ruined the day.
When you think about it, though, I saved it as well.
